Flies in the ointment

When I was a kid, I got beat up by some boys in my neighborhood. The fact that I got my backside kicked wasn't the embarrassing part, though. What was most humiliating was that it happened in my own yard. On top of that, when I went inside to cry on my Mom's shoulder, instead of receiving the "It's all right, baby" treatment, Mom told me if I let those boys beat me up again she was going to administer a whuppin' of her own on me.

It took a while and a couple of more beatdowns, but I finally manned up enough to even the score, and those guys left me alone after I went all Kenny Rogers "Coward of the County" on them.

Yeah, it's not a story that I'll share with my son ... hmmm. Another day, another time.

Anyway, former Speaker of the U.S. House Newt Gingrich probably understands how I felt all those years ago in the wake of his minor meltdown in the Alabama and Mississippi primary elections on Mildly Interesting Tuesday. Gingrich's "Southern Strategy" apparently didn't wash with voters in two southern states that many observers thought would go his way. Basically, Gingrich got beat up in his own yard.

Ugh! Bad memories.

"If he can't win in Alabama or Mississippi, where can he win?" Fox News political analyst Charles Krauthammer deadpanned during the network's primary election coverage on Tuesday night.

Where can Mr. Gingrich win, indeed?

As I look at the remainder of the Republican presidential primary calendar, I don't see an answer to Krauthammer's rhetorical question.

But I think Gingrich and fellow cellar-dweller U.S. Rep. Ron Paul are less concerned about winning the GOP nomination and more concerned about influencing who will eventually win the nomination. Both men, it appears, are relishing the "fly in the ointment" role they find themselves in at the present. Gingrich and Paul will continue to penny, nickel and dime delegates along the road to Tampa, Fla., and the GOP convention, which is set for Aug. 27-30.

If they're still in the race come the last week of August, the convention will look like a remake of Custer's Last Stand. They can't win, but their mere presence in Tampa (where the good life gets better every day) will be enough to irritate the two frontrunners, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.

If all four men are still in the race when GOP convention time rolls around, maybe they should just have a cage match to determine the nominee. Gingrich is already using Hulk Hogan's entrance music at his rallies, so a cage match might not be a big stretch.

This GOP primary race kind of reminds me of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disney World.

Hey, toads like flies right?